Hold On, I still want you

Disclaimer: This piece discusses themes of suicide and loss. Please read with care. It reflects only my personal thoughts and opinions.

Would you walk into a dark room knowing you will never come back? Would you step inside without any clue of what is waiting for you? Would you enter without knowing what pain you might have to go through?

No, right?
I mean, the adventurous ones might say, “Of course, I will go.” But think about it. Would you really be okay with never coming back to your loved ones? Never doing the things you love? Never achieving your dreams? Never travelling to that country you always wanted to go to?

Most of us would just sit frozen before we walk into that room.
Isn’t that dark room similar to death?
Something we know nothing about. We only have theories and beliefs, but honestly, none of us truly know what it is.

And isn’t that exactly what scares humans the most?
Not knowing.
Then why do we call someone a coward if they choose death over life?

Back in school, a classmate once asked our life skills teacher,
“Does it take more courage to live or to die?” That question has stayed with me for years.

Recently, one of my batchmates from college took his life. It shook me for days. I could not think about anything else.

I kept wondering. Did he wake up that day knowing it would be his last?
Did he shower thinking it was his final one, or did he skip it because he did not see the point in cleansing a body he was planning to leave anyway?

Did he eat?
When he stepped out of his house, did he know it was the last time he would see his mother’s face?

Did he plan everything carefully? Or was it a moment of complete breakdown that led to an impulsive decision?
While he was falling, did he regret it?
Did he suddenly feel an urge to live?
Or was he calm and accepting of what he had chosen?

I still cannot understand how he took that fall knowing it would end everything.
Did he forget all the good memories?
So many of us in moments of sadness or hopelessness think of giving up, but are we truly courageous enough to end it all?

Did hopelessness give him that kind of courage?

We will never know.

But here is what I do know.
When he did not return home, his toothbrush, his soap, his bed, his books, his laptop, everything remained untouched and waiting for him.

And his mother kept looking at the door hoping he would walk in.
He did not.
Instead, she received the most devastating call of her life.

I do not know what happens to someone who takes their life.
But I do know exactly what happens to the ones they leave behind.

Damon Salvatore once said in The Vampire Diaries,
“Because in the end, when you lose somebody every candle, every prayer is not going to make up for the fact that the only thing you have left is a hole in your life where that somebody you cared about used to be.”

It has been seventeen years since I lost someone I loved. People say time heals everything, but there is not a single day I do not miss that person. Not a day passes without wondering how different my life would have been if they were still alive. Even after almost two decades, the sadness still hurts physically.

“Hold on I still want you, come back I still need you”

That is why, when we feel hopeless and find ourselves standing on the edge of doing something extreme, we need to pause and think of the people who love us.

In that moment it is easy to believe that no one cares, that no one would notice if we disappeared. But the truth is, you have no idea how many people you have quietly inspired, how many smiles you have unknowingly created, how many hearts you have touched simply by existing.

People often say you should talk to someone, a friend or anyone. But in those moments, when you scroll through your contacts, you realise no one truly understands the pain you are going through.

And that is the truth.

No one is going to rescue you. You have to bring yourself back. Take your time, but rise again.

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If you have the courage to do the most daring thing, then you definitely have the courage to live.